My Daughter Has a Boyfriend!

How the hell did this happen? She’s my baby! Well, technically she’s not a baby, but she is! Okay, she’s a grown woman but she never had a boyfriend before. She came home from college and told me that she’d met someone online that lives nearby. I tried not to pass out. She’s never had a boyfriend before. Why does she need one now? Wait… don’t tell me.

It started out innocently enough. He plays guitar in a band that plays in his church. The church is having some sort of celebration and she wanted to go see him play and possibly meet him face to face for the first time. I gave her a look but, in the end, I agree. Her brother and I sat in the car while she listened to him play. She told us later that she didn’t actually talk to him but he did send her a text between songs to say hi. Okay, I can handle this. I smiled and we went home. I thought, “Thank god that is over!”

But it wasn’t! The next day she told me that she wanted to go to church with him and hang out with him and his family! OMG! I wanted to say, not just no but HELL NO! I stopped to think about it. She is a grown woman even if she hasn’t much experience dating. I trust her judgement and nodded my head in agreement. By two pm, I was nearly frantic. “Church is over around noon, that was two hours ago, so where the hell is she?”

I sent an innocent sounding text, “You okay?” and sat there staring at the phone, willing her to text back. A couple minutes later, she FINALLY responded, “I’m fine” Deep inside I convinced myself that message was code for “Daddy, I’m a prisoner. Come save me!” I roamed the house, opening the door to check the drive way. I pushed our dog away from the window so I could look out at the driveway from there. I kept cursing my damned phone because I wasn’t getting anymore texts. I was doing my best to play it cool though and resisted the urge to send a dozen or more texts and call her demanding an excuse for her tardiness.

Around five I heard the tone, notifying me that I had a text. I damned near crushed the phone in my haste. “I’m going to the night services. Be home soon. “I drew back my arm to throw the phone against the wall. Just in time, I stopped myself. “What if she texts me again?” I thought. So with exaggerated care, I took both hands and gently laid the phone down and plugged it up to charge. You never know. Yes it says it’s on one hundred percent but the battery might suddenly fail.

I hunt down a clock and sat there staring at it. The house could have burned and I still wouldn’t have taken my eyes off of it. Seven o’clock passed. Eight o’clock passed. Nine o’clock passed. I pushed the dog out of the way and stared out the window again. I think I licked it a few times but I’m not sure about that.

Nine fifty nine, a car pulls into the driveway. The hair on the back of my neck stood straight up and I had the strange urge to growl. I watched as she got out of the car and so did he. They walked to the front of the car and talked for a minute. Then it happened! He hugged her! I damned near broke the window! “Get your nasty hands off my baby girl!” That’s what I was thinking. I saw them separate and she started walking towards the house and he got back in the car. I rushed back to my bedroom and did my best to appear nonchalant.

She came in the house and I quickly and discretely checked her for any injuries. She was smiling which worried me to no end. “I had a really good time Daddy,” yeah she actually had the nerve to say that to me. I hugged her and said very little because I didn’t want to rain on her parade. “Daddy? He wants me to go fishing with him tomorrow.” That’s when it all went black. I think I was actually in a coma but I woke up here in the psyche ward and they won’t tell me much.